Think Yeng

DEFINING THE CONTEXT

First, Lets define the context of being late. You have (1) agreed to be someplace with others (2) agreed to a specific time that all individuals involved will be there by.

And potentially, (3) agreed that everyone will be there on time unless an “emergency” happens, and defining what counts as an emergency to each individuals (because there are universally understood emergencies and personal emergencies that are only important to the individuals).

I am sure that we all know at least one person in our life who is constantly late to everything. The casual get-togethers, the scheduled dates and times, and even the important events in life. It is always disrespectful to the people waiting, as though their time is not as valuable to the latecomers as their own.

I have more than my fair share of people who are intermittently late, and those who are chronically late every time. Everyone has their reasons, sometimes understandable ones and other times, not so much.

I’m not perfect either, I’ve shown up later than agreed upon to casual gatherings, scheduled times, and important events a few time as well. But I always say this in the context of who I will be meeting with.

I am never late with people that are on time. I have at most, two friends who are consistently on time with me, and whenever I make plans to meet with them, I will always be on time because I know that I will not be left waiting on them. We’ve consistently shown respect to each other’s time and know that we both mean it when we agree to a day and time to meet.

On the other end, I am sometimes later to meetings with people that have shown that they are late people. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I have started not being on time when I know I will be with people who are consistently late with me (weird accomplishment, but hear me out). I have had to wait anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours from the agreed upon time for family and friends to be ready. I think to myself, I could have used those extra time to sleep more, or self-care a bit before I headed out, but because I was the driver in most situations, I was left waiting for family and friends who tells me that they were not ready when I was already there. This was something that consistently made me frustrated, disappointed, and feeling disrespected by my family and friends, which ended up souring the start of the day with them, for me.

And so, over time, I’ve learned to add an extra 15-30 minutes or more to the agreed upon time with them. Better yet, before I head out, I ask if everyone is ready, when they will be ready, let me know when I can go pick them up, and how far I am from their places. This communication results in not having to wait long periods of time, which has lessen my frustration, disappointment, and feelings of disrespect when I am with them.

Ultimately, we cannot control other people’s actions, only how we react and respond to them. I have my favorite quote from an Amazon book by Charles R. Swindoll who states that “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react” that I mention in my next post about my 10 favorite all time quotes.

My ultimate opinion? Always be on time. In general, people who are late are disrespectful of other people’s time.

I say this as someone who greatly values what I do with my time.

I understand that everyone has their reasonings to why they are late. I am not the judge of what is a good reason or a not so good reason. However, it has to also be acknowledged objectively, that there was people whose time was wasted waiting for others to be ready past the agreed upon time.

What are some reasons I’ve heard given to me or others for not being ready on time?

• Stayed up late watching kids
• Did not wake up on time or to the alarm
• Jealous partner purposefully turned off alarm
• Car tire needed to be fixed on the day of
• Did not feel like coming at first
• Too tired and low energy
• Still getting ready and putting on make-up
• Forgot that there was a meeting today

In a lot of my own situations, I was informed that they will be late when I was already on the road or at the location of the meet-up/pick-up at the agreed upon time.

If you will be late, at least have the courtesy to inform in advance even by 15 minutes. I feel for the people who have to wait on others in their lives, especially in important and special occasions. (like my friend in Storytime 1)

I have one friend that is chronically late all the time. I absolutely adore this friend as one of my best friend with many great qualities, however, her lateness is something I point out objectively as negative. At one of our close friend’s wedding, our friend (the bride) asked us to be there around 11 am since she wanted a picture with all her bridesmaids. We all agreed to be there at that time since some of us will have to leave at 1 pm due to prior commitments made. Some friends were there early to help set up, and I informed that I will be there at 11 am with my partner. My partner and I were there at 11 am at the agreed upon time.

A little past 12 pm, my chronically late friend messaged us that they will be late due to a personal reason that she will tell later, and asked those of us who can stay later to wait for her. Unfortunately, my partner and I needed to leave at 1 pm so that we can get home so he and I can get ready for other commitments. We stayed until 1:40 pm to see if the friend would be there by then, but unfortunately not, and we had to leave. The bride ultimately had two pictures with her bridesmaids, one missing my chronically late friend, and the other missing me and another friend who had to leave with us for another commitment she had already made as well.

In the end, due to the lateness, we never got a full picture of the bride with all her bridesmaids like she wanted for her wedding day.

**For context, we were informed less than 2 weeks ahead of the wedding day. I made a commitment a month ago to train new recruits for my research team at 2 pm since no one else could do it and my partner needed to inform his workplace a month in advance for days off as he works at 3 pm. One of my other friend also informed that she had made prior commitments as well. When my friend (the bride) informed us of her wedding day, I informed her that same day that my partner and I will be there, but were only able to stay until 1 pm as we had prior commitments that cannot be cancelled**

While being on time and having to wait for people to be ready is something that is objectively bad, there has been at least one time that I can recall that it was good that my friends were late. This was for a party that one of our friend, who is also known for being late, was hosting with her family and relatives. Her family was hosting the party and we were all asked to be there around 3 pm because that was when her parents will say a toast to start (I don’t remember the specific time so lets pretend this was the time that was agreed upon as it won’t affect the outcome of the timing in the story).

I had messaged my friends that I will start picking everyone up around 2:30 pm so we can get there by 3 pm. I headed out to the first friend’s house at 2:30 pm, and she informs me that she is not ready yet and I asked how long she would take. She said it was going to be another 30 minutes or so. So I ended up waiting outside for about 40-50 minutes before she was ready. Then we went to the next friend’s place, she was already ready as she is my one friend that is usually on time. Then we went to pick up the third friend, and she said to come inside her place because she is not ready yet either because she was still putting on make-up. So the extra 40-50 minutes that the first friend took, along with the last friend, we were at least 2 and a half hours later than the agreed upon time. As this was happening, we were also informing our friend of our late coming.

Once we got there, it was close to 5:30 pm. Then our friend hosting the party said that they were not ready either and to wait some more also. The whole party overall did not start until close to 6:30 pm. All in all, if my friends and I had been there at 3 pm, we would have had to wait over 3 hours at a party with strangers that has not even started yet. While this shows that lateness can sometimes end up good, it does not justify being late to agreed upon times. Although we did not have to wait long until the party started when we got there, and I enjoyed my time waiting with my friends, it is a fact that our time was spent waiting on someone else. My friend and I who were ready by 3 pm, could have used the extra 2 hours to sleep in or for ourselves instead of waiting for everyone else to be ready.

As I’ve said before, it starts with communicating your feelings and boundaries with people, and also understanding why they are late. It maybe not even be a good reason to you or me, but if they are people who you want to remain in your life, it is important to keep an open mind so as to not feel negative toward them.

And I do try, I’m not always perfectly understanding, but I try to NOT push my timeliness on them. I adapt and develop my behaviors based on how consistently on time or late they are, and I mirror that action back so as to not feel frustrated, disappointed, and disrespected.

Communications that I have done:

• Inform them that time is important to me and that I do not like being made to wait.
• Let them know that if they are going to be late (not due to an emergency), that they can at least give a courtesy notice, even just 15 or 30 minutes beforehand.
• If they are late and barely informed me when I am already at the location, I express to them that I understand their reason as to why they are late, but that I am also disappointed and feel that my time was disrespected.

Actions I have done to reduce my feelings of disrespectfulness, frustrations, and disappointment:

• If they are chronically late, I sometimes wait an extra 15-30 minutes or more before I head out.
• Before I head out, I ask if everyone is ready, when they will be ready, and to let me know when they are ready to be picked up (whether that is on time or later).
• When I heading out, I message them to let them know I am coming and how long it will take me to be there, and I message again when I am about 2-3 minutes away to let them know I am close.

Books that I got through Amazon that have helped me better assert my feelings, set my boundaries, and manage emotions:

• “The Empowered Empath: A Simple Guide on Setting Boundaries, Controlling Your Emotions, and Making Life Easier” by Judy Dyer, a good book for someone who feels a lot of emotions for themselves and others to be better at finding peace with yourself
• “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab, a good book for learning to set boundaries, a skill that I believe everyone should learn so they can give themselves peace

I do want to say. Trust that your family and friends are not late because they don’t respect or care about your time, it may just be the way that they are, and that is where communications about boundaries and feelings need to take place if you want to keep them in your life. Also trust yourself if you feel that your consideration is being taken advantage of by someone who does not care enough to communicate, and make the hard choice to stay or leave. (Both are hard choices either way)

Although I learn to be tolerant and understanding to my family and current friends who I want in my life, I do know my boundary with time. This will be an important factor to consider for any future potential relationships I make along the way in my life.